Vegas Bright writer BSiegs returns with a tongue-in-cheek article detailing peoples Slushie Horoscopes.
Alcoholic slushies come in more shapes, sizes, flavors, and colors than you can imagine. They have become a fabric of the Vegas landscape. Take a walk down the Strip and you’ll see countless guitars full of green goop and footballs loaded with red ooze.
Suffice it to say that for a long time, I looked down on these monstrosities as the bottom of the proverbial Vegas drink barrel. My only experience was when a group of us indulged in a variety of flavors on a Strip walk during my Bachelor Party almost a decade ago. Mine was an overly sweet mess that left a trail of gut rot and despair in its wake.
I wrote them off forever and moved on to drinks that I knew I would enjoy.
At home, I’m almost entirely a craft beer and whiskey drinker. An occasional cocktail or glass of wine with a nice meal. Historically in Vegas, I’ll indulge in screwdrivers, bloody marys, and bailey’s & coffees in the morning hours. After that, it is beer, vodka tonic, or the venerable vodka red bull that pours at a rate unsafe for any human to consume. No sweetened concoctions anywhere in sight.
A couple trips back, myself and Wendy, a dealer at the Golden Gate, began questioning a guy who joined us with one of the massive slushies sold at the outdoor bars. We soon learned it was the Moscow Mule flavor, which we didn’t even realize was a thing.
We were immediately fascinated. When he returned later in the evening at a nearby table with ANOTHER slushie, we lost it. I started telling Wendy and my buddy Matt the slew of questions I had for this man.
First and most importantly….why?
But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Countless follow up questions filled my head. You do know that actual Moscow Mules exist, right? You know that they are serving “free” drinks at the table you are sitting at?
As I asked the questions, Wendy pantomimed writing down the answers in her notebook, as if she was interviewing the guy. The three of us were in tears.
Now, apart from having an alcoholic slushie in the story, how is this relevant? It shows how anti-slushie I was. These were not – and would not become – a part of my Vegas ritual.
Somehow, this guy had the last laugh. It embedded in my mind. Come the next trip, my final half day in Vegas was solo. Somehow, someway, I found myself ordering a Hurricane slushie at the D Bar on Fremont Street.
To my surprise, it hit the spot. On my most recent trip, I had another one as I kicked off the gambling party one night. I’m headed back soon and will almost certainly have one (and only one) yet again.
Here’s the thing: I’m already fiercely loyal to my flavor. I will get the Hurricane flavor and only the Hurricane flavor. Which made me realize something. And no, it’s not that I’m a neurotic freak, although that is probably true too.
Alcoholic slushies aren’t just a drink. They are a lifestyle. A window to the soul. A horoscope for the Vegas aficionado’s personality.
After weeks of consideration thought, and deep philosophical thinking, I am officially the world’s foremost expert on Vegas Alcoholic Slushie Horoscopes. A fiercely fought over title.
So enough wasted time. Let’s get to it. What your Vegas alcoholic slushie says about you. Note: These are one hundred percent accurate and cannot be debated.
Slushie Flavor: Margarita
Slushie Narrative: You want to venture into the slushie realm, but also want something familiar. After all, isn’t a margarita slushie just the blended version of the beverage itself? When you order the margarita flavor, you are saying you want to party but you want to know what you are in for. You probably like plain buttered toast too.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Margaritaville
Favorite Vegas Game: Reel Slots
Slushie Flavor: Strawberry
Slushie Narrative: The classic. This has to be the first Vegas slushie and probably one of the best sellers. You want to get a little rowdy, almost certainly get this in a crazy shaped container, and smile the whole time. You want the classic, sure thing, but with a twist.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Caesars Palace
Favorite Vegas Game: Blackjack
Slushie Flavor: Orange Creme
Slushie Narrative: You like citrus…and apparently creme. You’re basic but fancy at the same time. Your idea of a good dessert is a creamsicle because you don’t know that chocolate exists.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Palazzo
Favorite Vegas Game: Baccarat
Slushie Flavor: Pina Colada
Slushie Narrative: Much like the margarita, you are basically drinking the ACTUAL pina colada. But this has pool folk written all over it. You love that coconut/suntan lotion aroma and drink Malibu on the reg. You are in Vegas to relax, soak up the rays, and see where the night takes you.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Mandalay Bay
Favorite Vegas Game: Roulette
Slushie Flavor: Fruit Punch
Slushie Narrative: You actually want candy, but you’ll settle for an alcoholic slushie. You aren’t much of a drinker at home, but what the hell, you are in Vegas. Time to let your hair down and enjoy Swedish Fish in their liquid state.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Excalibur
Favorite Vegas Game: Penny Slots
Slushie Flavor: Banana
Slushie Narrative: My god what is wrong with you? I love a banana, but you know, the actual fruit. Only a monster would order this. You need to seek help immediately.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Hooters
Favorite Vegas Game: The Big Wheel Thing
Slushie Flavor: Blueberry Lemonade
Slushie Narrative: You are sweet but tart. You like words you know but in combinations you are unfamiliar with. You confound your friends and significant others (of which there have been many) with your slightly offbeat takes. You are the true Vegas chameleon, simultaneously happy everywhere while always thinking about your next stop.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Bally’s
Favorite Vegas Game: Blackjack Switch
Slushie Flavor: Hurricane
Slushie Narrative: You are super cool. The best really. Everyone loves you. You’ve never lost at gambli—
***shakes him awake***
OK, you like strong flavor, strong drinks, and a good time. You are here to gamble but want some of that New Orleans party vibe mixed in for good measure. You only occasionally lose at gamblin—
***shakes him awake from the second dream (the first was a dream within a dream)***
Look, it’s my favorite so I’m biased. It’s orange-ish and kinda cool looking. You lose at gambling a little over half the time.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Golden Gate
Favorite Vegas Game: Craps
Slushie Flavor: Long Island Iced Tea
Slushie Narrative: You are adventurous, hence ordering the brown diarrhea looking slushie. A courageous order, no doubt. You enjoy a slew of alcohols and a slew of Vegas good times. You are all over the map…but that’s what your friends love about you. Usually.
Favorite Vegas Casino: TI
Favorite Vegas Game: Free Bet Blackjack
Slushie Flavor: Cosmopolitan
Slushie Narrative: Oooooooh girl, you classy. You’ll deal with this forced daytime trip downtown because you know that by tonight, you’ll be back on the Strip. Thank God.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Do we have to do this? The Cosmo
Favorite Vegas Game: Eww, I don’t gamble
Slushie Flavor: Jack’d Coke
Slushie Narrative: Sup bruh? You get your lift in this morning? I don’t think your girl is digging this downtown trip.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Does Spearmint Rhino count? (high five)
Favorite Vegas Game: Telling everyone at the blackjack table the “right” way to play
Slushie Flavor: Lemon Head
Slushie Narrative: You are funky. You are in Vegas for people watching, a few shows, but mostly, a super specific small-venue concert. Regardless, you’ll have a great time everywhere you go. Except for maybe that place where you got the way-too-sweet Lemon Head slushie.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Luxor
Favorite Vegas Game: Craps
Slushie Flavor: Moscow Mule
Slushie Narrative: This one is still the weirdest. An actual drink, but not one served in slushie form. A great flavor combination, so who am I to judge? Oh that’s right, the author of an article judging people based on irrelevant drink choices!
You are solo tripping and a good time. You want a good drink but also want to explore the eccentricities that are Vegas. But for real, you do know that actual Moscow Mules exist right?
Favorite Vegas Casino: The D
Favorite Vegas Game: Let It Ride
Slushie Flavor: Mai Tai
Slushie Narrative: Another drink for the pool folk, but you know, the haughtier kind. You are here for pools, designer shopping, and some high end dinners. Nothing wrong with that friend. But no, I don’t know if that cabana is available.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Wynn
Favorite Vegas Game: Pai Gow Poker
Slushie Flavor: Cotton Candy
Slushie Narrative: **RECORD SCRATCH**
Cotton Candy? Good lord. And I thought Banana was bad.
You can’t be saved.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Circus Circus
Favorite Vegas Game: The Midway at Circus Circus
Slushie Flavor: Sour Granny Apple (the picture has glare there, but that is what I’ve gathered from the slushie color, the few letters I can see, and a hunch)
Slushie Narrative: You have planned this entire trip to the final detail. You know these will be sickly sweet, so you want something with some tart that will cut the sugar. You like apple pie, America, and people that make you happy. You are on vacation and couldn’t be more excited about it.
Favorite Vegas Casino: MGM Grand
Favorite Vegas Game: Sigma Derby
Slushie Flavor: Purple Haze
Slushie Narrative: You are a mystery wrapped in a riddle. You like to take chances and dive into something not knowing the result. Your idea of a perfect Vegas trip is one where you arrive with zero plans and just let your whims drive you. Let’s see where this Purple Haze takes you…
Favorite Vegas Casino: The Cromwell
Favorite Vegas Game: Themed Slot Machines
Slushie Flavor: Tropical Bliss
Slushie Narrative: You want a name that says it all. You hit Vegas to explore the tourist sites, the big name hotel casinos, and the celebrity chef restaurants. You love a selfie and may even own one of those godforsaken sticks. You’ll have a great time in Vegas, but an even better time showing off all of your pictures when you get home.
Favorite Vegas Casino: Bellagio
Favorite Vegas Game: A Vegas Photo Scavenger Hunt
Who would have thought that a split second decision at a Fremont Street bar would have such a lasting impact on your life? In that moment, you open a true portal to your innermost thoughts.
But don’t let that scare you. Give an alcoholic slushie a try, you may even like it.
May I recommend the Hurricane?
[Photo Cred. BSiegs]